hot_robot_sex

on by Lorenzo Buffa

Vow by Lorenzo Buffa

back in my department.
living cozily downtown.
my partner is moving to philadelphia,
and we have the same birthday.
things are lovely, for the moment, at any rate.

just waiting for winter to be over.

my house is up for sale, and i moved closer to school.
after so many ups and downs, i'm stable again.
i'm me, only a better version of self.
life is good. myles is good. i'm good.
lots of transformations, lots of changes.
studying a lot of religion and philosophy
trying to keep on growing.

:)

if i could be straight, i would... for my family.
i relate so much to the gay muslim cause... as a privilaged roman catholic italian....

He is almost 21.
Enjoys the comforts of his same bedroom, in the same house, in the same town. With the same things I put up on the wall when we shared his bedroom.
He smokes weed and plays video games all day.
Him and my older brother are two of a kind, my older brother lives in the apartment next to my parents and brother.

My moms ailing, and my brothers and father don't know how to be anything other than apathetic, or how intelectualize the world they live in, or how to care for anything outside of self. In the 5 years that I have been mostly only two hours from home, my youngest brother has never visited me, or picked me up, or offered me a ride home with my dog.

My ma is only 48. I've been trying to be present in her life to help, going home on weekends in a rental car, which I can not afford. Have been trying to move home for a month now, but have a lot of fear and uncertainty surrounding it. The environment is exactly opposite of how I run and work as an adult. My brothers, who are angry and confused and simple, sell pot, and honestly - i need to be completely far removed from any temptations, because at the end of the day that place still somehow feels like home. In my adult life now - with a home, in a city in which I have been a part of for years, this place still does not feel like home.






Me: hey, i'll be trying to come up next weekend
Mauro: k
Me: hows mom been?
Me: has she eaten more, smoked less, bought produce or avocados?
Mauro: good actualy
Me: yeah?
Me: tell me about it, i haven't talked to her much in awhile
Mauro: she eats good no but she hates avocadoes
Me: what is she eating?
Me: more brown breads and stuff? protein and high fiber?
Me: any less of her sugary sweets in her cabinet?
Mauro: ya
Me: okay, good good.
Me: im glad to hear that
Me: ive been trying to make my way home for a little bit, its just been rough finding a ride and getting my life in order here.
Mauro: ya i hear ya
Me: i really wish i had a car
Me: did you see the google maps link? it was of my neighborhood... and the house..
Mauro: ya i see it
Mauro: but yo
Mauro: i got to go later man
Mauro: nice talking to u
Me: take care brother.
Mauro: u to
Mauro is offline.

ive been back from peru for a month. my lifes kinda been all over the place and a mess.
fell in love with someone in peru and have been reeling from heart ache. found a job in peru too, with this boy i fell for...

lots to write, dont know if im able to figure out where to start.

quick life update, too tired to write more. left for peru in december and am still here. ive taken a leave of absence from school and am working in the mountains of the central andes. lots of changes, experiences, spiritual work happening. trying to find myself grounded in this world again. xo. lorenzo

http://www.bravenewtraveler.com/2007/06/29/the-travelers-guide-to-karma/

this article has made me feel better. tonight i am fleeing the chaos of the city, and will make my way back to Huaraz to stay on the mountain. to heal, to think, to feel good again!

i feel better tonight, because, i have to.

for the next 3 weeks I am in Peru and will try to document it. live journal will be one means.

today, im my head this post was a whole lote more descriptive, but I cant bare to look at a computer for more then 10 minutes right now...

i've been to this city with these same feelings before. I feel lonely. I felt that way here my first trip, it's rough being thrown into travels in a foreign place, and it's rough on me being here alone. I'll meet people as days come, and retreat to the mountains soon, but I cant shake this feeling of isolation right now. This place makes me think of my ex Alex. 4 years ago I came here and thought the same, Limas wealthier neighborhoods remind me of LA, and their are a lot of old volkswagon bugs here. I miss him in my life, and put myself on the limb before I left the US. I called him and we spoke and I alluded to wanting him to come with me. I guess I knew he wouldnt, but today walking around I couldn't help but to feel serious pangs for him agan. For love and company from eachother again. that relationship continuously affects me.... He reads this sometimes.

my first time to south americia was a grand long adventure, so I could force myself to learn to cope and become reliant on myself more. this time, i guess I feel like i have to work through the pain I feel being such a lone wolf. this is the case of my every day life, i do everything alone these days and really have come to consider philly a sad place for me to be. it does not feel like 5 years of my life have been lived there, i feel like all i have their are sad memories and decisions and school, which keeps me reeled in. i forced myself into not the life of a 22 year old but a 30 year old. dog, house, routines, stress.. except i dont have in philly the stability I need to be happy anymore. my own self reliance had become week and i've decided to flea to accept the current enevitable of my life; i am really a lone wolf... and not in a glamorous way, but in a sad and self torturing way, and i cant do this anymore.

meh. my goals of trying to articulate myself right now are fleating. all in all, i have no option other than to be hopefull or else things could turn really awfull. i hope to heal here, i hope to dream here, i hope to find myself happy and healthy and stable again. in philly i was an addict, compulsive, really going the wrong direction. wish me luck i suppose.

xo lorenzo

my world is effecting my well being. i want to leave.

my uncle died today.

so, i won 2nd place in the PMA 2009 Collab Student Competion!!!!!!!!
Collab Design Excellence Award: Marcel Wanders

i have been up for over 48 hours now!

i feel mixed about this. 3 months of development, and experiments, and in the end the final form of this prototype is not what I wanted it to be, but thats okay, because I think I had an understanding of what the brief and the competition was trying to get us to explore, but i chose to let my "luminaire" tell its story on its own. we all had to have a poster, i think mine had 2 lines of text on it. There is time to be wordy in design, when talking say systems or human factors but when it comes to semantics, or theory, those things can have a huge place in the product design market. Objects well made are easily undestood, well read, evoke from the user what the designer intentionally creates - weather broad and abstract or focused and detailed.



anywa, yeah, so my piece is "hallo", a riff on "Halo". An extra L for extra good. It was a table top luminaire, literally. I won $750 and get to go to, for free with a plus one, to the opening of the Collab Design Excellence Award night for Marcel Wanders, in which he will talk about a nice selection of his work in person, and where he'll have his performance piece chandelier!
. tomorrow i go back to class with 9 of my peers who also submitted work.

<img src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/spaceball.gif

my life is really rough right now. im prevailing, i think.
i am financialy worse off then ive ever been, and bills keep coming in
im going to new york to meet with my friend whit next weekend, were going to this guy pauls house to pull a trick
i dont really want to be involved with sex work as my motives at the moment arent exactly empowering but out of need. this guy paul though, is looking for a regulater "skater punk" and he is loaded, so this could work out well as a long term situation. i have to work it right though.
im feeling sad, and dont even have the time to actually stop and let my body retreat
im finishing a piece for a competition. its due the 16th, im in the finals
if i win, it'll be amazing. plus $1000

i might not finish in time, i have hand thrown and slip casted porcelain pieces that need to be bisq fired once then fired again to be glazed

ughhhhhh.
i hate winter too, and ive been so lonely.

im a drug addict.
im not taking care of myself.
i smoked $500 away this month.
school started, and im a drone
i cry a lot
i cry about Tadd a lot
i see how it's closing me up
i have no one to cry over Tadd with
i am putting on a face everyday just to get by.
this is a really low place.
i look sickly.
my skin is rough.
my fingers stained yellow from tobacco,
my temples and eyes seem to be shrinking into my head
my knee hurts
and my rist
and my head still
and my bike is flat
i sleep in a disgusting room.
ive gotten used to the mess
but im embarased to let others come in
i have work at 8:30
i have to wake up at 6.

i emailed tadds mom today. its been a month since he died.
i've cried this morning, i remembered things again, i looked at pictures...

death gives value to life, and i'm trying.

life is so strange right now, but that's okay. change?

hello world. digital friends. are we robots using robots to communicate roboticly? i am very stoned.


so, the sound of rustling leaves and cool chill air blowing in through the kitchen window are putting me into a pleasant and mild mood i think. i have learned that i am completely in need of a closeness to nature. it can be a dieing patch of fake sod in a gutter of the city... or perhaps a lush waterfall in the mountains of tennessee... but the point is, i can compromise. i can realize and respect and understand now my need and desire for nature, and use what im learning to compromise ideals and the way I plan to continue to live my life.

i realize I have been very unhappy for some time, and that it was due to my neglecting of so much of myself. of my need for physical movement, warmth, comfort in home, comfort in the hands of the earth, comfort with my friedships that are growing in depth every single day, and each in a unique and individual way. i am coming to terms with changes and losses, and trying to remove the walls and weights and barriers i have put up or carried around for some time now.

i am going to live day by day. i will not predict the future, but let the stars guide me in my decisions. i have become in love with astrology. learning and understanding how much of my life is not in my hands, but that i am in the hands of something much much bigger. something warm, something alive and energetic, something with stories and a history, something older than our species can even begin to understand.

at this very moment, i sit outside in my back yard enjoying the soundscape that i would like to make a general theme in my life. the sound of a fresh wind blowing the trees while the leaves fall down into the yard, children giggling and stomping around out front, playing with squirt guns as they enjoy the last taste of summer they might have, with birds chirping in the background making conversation with the squirells foreging for nuts, and the slow sound of a car with a pretty crappy base and subwoofer coming closer and closer to my corner, blasting Mariah Carey's 1995 classic hit, "Always Be My Baby". This is the life of the most fixed earth sign living in the city.

my optimism comes and goes, but right now it is on a steady pace. the past few weeks have been really really difficult. i got to know an amazing and beautifull and charming person named Tadd, and we spent a month and a half getting to know eachother, exposing secrets, dealing with emotions, being communicative beings. He got me intrigued by yoga, which I seem to be doing daily now. His mother is an astrologist, so he grew up with the stuff and probed and fed my imagination and desire to learn more. he celebrated his 22nd birthday as spirited cancer of the zodiaz, dawned in nothing but a spandex onsie in zebra print. it was amazing, it even went down to his hands and had built in gloves. Tadd Gerot was amazing and I grew very close to him, and closer to some other friends who I had been neglecting for some time, they lived with him, so I spent a lot of great times with some great people. Tadd got sick though, and it was mistreated first here in Philly. He went to upstate new york to where his parents lived and ended up in the ICU of Hudson hospital. He died the next day from a bacterial infection that led to pnemonia. It has been once of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with in my life. Things were unsaid, futures left empty, people to call, friends to console and be consoled by. It has been hard, and Ive had to make some quick changes in my life, and learn new and deep things about myself and the world. I am thankfull that I was able to spend any time at all with this wonderful and kind and loving and creative and beautiful enthusiastic being. To of known him, would of been a privillage to anyone.

Now my life is getting into somewhat of a routine. I start school this week, work soon after, and living with a great housemate, we are still looking for a perfect third, and there is a lot of design work that i want to pour my heart and sole into. I am starting to grow into a better person, and maybe who I am destined to be, and this makes me feel alive again.

xoxo
Lorenzo

someone i have been involved with passed away on Monday morning from pneumonia. i dont know how to feel anymore, ive cried with his housemates, ive cried alone, i've cried in the rain. i can see him laying in my bed or sitting in my yard, but that will never happen again.

this hurts so bad. we celebrated his birthday last month.

before he left for his parents house to take care of his health, we decided that when he would come back we would clear up some things between us. we left with things up in the air, the last time i talked to him i hung up on him.

this is hard. so fucking hard.

tadd, rest in peace.

i even bother reaching out sometimes.

i have been really lonely lately

sorry about that. the video confesional stuff in heinsight seemed cheesy and to be honest - i am way too vulnerable to feel okay with putting so much about me on the internet.

no seriously, this was my 2nd and last commercial. the first, i was a baby sitting on a counter in an ice cream shop.

i never should of given up my acting career.

im also overly wreckless with my heart, STILL!
as soon as i decide one thing i want the opposite

ive been hanging out with this person for about two weeks now...
the other day after a pretty intense argument in which we agreed to talk about in two days time,
during this time he slept with someone else
and he told me tonight

and assumed, well "because your poly amorous i thought you would be okay with it."

what the fuck. yeah, if we talked about it, or i was informed, or if the other person knew about me, or a million things - then it would of been okay. telling me after the fact, is not appreciated. what about me right now feeling super insecure about the fact that as soon as things got a little strange between us (i was refusing/not interested in sex the other morning) he then goes and screws someone (an old friend) that night, without talking any of it out with me. not to mention sexual safety for christs sake.

i reacted calmly and pretty rationally and the conversation went and ended well, but as i think more about it i cant help but to feel i keep getting the short end of the stick here. shall i give into monogomou relations? or not even divuldge the huge part of me that is for poly and non monogomous relations?

over and over again i get into some kind of involvement with people who i are unable to understand that my way of loving is about complete open and honest communication. that poly people don't fuck all the time or are detatched or thats its a wild card to do whatever you want.

this just seems to keep happening. so like, must i narrow down my margin of possible options to ONLY folks who are familiar with what poly really is? great. as if the dateing sphere im in isn't already small enough.

needless to say, i think i'm going to tell this person that i would rather things be platonic for us. i'm not super closely involved with him or anything yet, im just heated because people are idiots and dont know how to communicate and its exhausting.

i quit my job.
stupid, stupid timing.

Two bedrooms open in a three bedroom house for August first or sooner. Rent is either $225 - $250, depending on rooms. Utilities are split, and I am open to sharing food. Also am open to the idea of renting the rooms out as studio spaces to anyone who is interested in that. Wood floors in house.

So, the home is a typical row home in south west Philly. Larger than most though, it was build around 1910. The block has long been occupied by a large Irish working class community. The area bikeable and close to most other parts of the city, but there are also two buses. Clark Park is just over the greys ferry bridge, as well as bartrums garden and the west philadelphia tool library, the italian market is 10 minutes away. Grocery is two blocks. Small corner store, post office, and rite aid near by.

Open are the middle upstairs bedroom, and the front master bedroom. The house has a cute little yard, one bathroom, one energetic dog, very open common areas/living room, there is a washer and dryer but the dryer isnt used much, and wireless internet.

.....

The house has in the past been occupied by queers, musicians, cats and dogs, artists, traveling friends, etc. I am in my mid twenties and have lived in Philadelphia for 5 years. I am committed to being non-racist, non-sexist, non-transphobic and generally just tolerant and concerned for the well being of anyone I share a home with. Non-jerk. I like to be friendly with the neighbors, and keep the house reasonably clean so it can feel like a home. I am a maker of things and go to school so am often busy but am at the moment really enjoying the relaxed vibe of summer. I would like to live with folks who are similarly minded and relatively relaxed. I am queer and it's a pretty important part of who I am. I am interested in gardening, cooking together, ukuelle, skill shares, making music, comic books, keeping my brain stimulated, and just generally staying somewhat busy. It is important to me that you enjoy sharing a home with animals, specifically a medium/larger dog, and I am open to living with cats or other dogs. The house is undergoing some minor work, but that should be finished come September.

Looking for folks who have experience in these kind of living situations or have lived in some sort of collective environment before.

If you are interested feel free to contact me and share a bit about yourself, your quirks, questions, what you are looking for, etc!

LorenzoBuffa@gmail.com

i quit my job. face painting, its just not fun anymore.
i put out an ad on craigslist to see if anyone bites. i wouldnt mind doing it freelance once in awhile.
the timing is kind of amazing, but also awfull too. i need to find two roomates before i have to send out the check for the mortgage. i dont have enough money to cover it right now.

everyone responding to my ad on craigslist is kind of seemingly horrible, but i cant really be picky right now. which makes me very sad, because if i rush it, chances are my home still wont feel like a home.

i realize this is so very important to me. so, so key.
im happy and sad with the world right now, but okay otherwise.

i have been trying to record music, its hard for me, i cant pay attention to shitty software for more then 20 minutes.

i feel confidant enough now to leave the house with my uke and play in public. if i get good enough, maybe i can play on the subway corner and make some money.

ive been really into astrology right now, and trying to continue and read and understand my chart. its making life interesting, and im too dedicated to focus on much else right now, but also have to fight off my need of becoming easily bored.

so, i love this example i read today because its completely true for me. my back, please touch it. my shoulders, oh god so much tension! i eat and eat and eat and crave sugar.

Taurus: is Fixed Earth. Really fixed. This is the sign of Inertia. Slow to get moving, but impossible to stop. It is also the most Sensual sign in the zodiac. Taurus likes its physical pleasures, especially eating. People with a strong Taurus emphasis in their horoscopes don’t really eat. They graze. Put a plate of little snacks near them at a party and, well, you had better get another plate for everyone else. When it comes to sex, unless something else in their horoscope interferes, Taurus Sun-Sign people can go all night. Better be in good shape if you’re having a fling with one of them. And, oh yes. They like to wrestle and tickle. If you’re ticklish, better stay away. They will drive you crazy.

Getting someone with strong Taurus placements to make a fast decision is very difficult. They like to “chew things over” for a long time before deciding. You can speed up the process by discussing the matter over a meal. Hit them with the punch line when you get to desert. If they have a full stomach and something sweet in their mouths, they are more likely to say yes. Oh yes. If you can touch them (not always easy in a business setting) massage their shoulders as hard and long as you can. They are generally tight there and most of them love the tension release. Careful though. For them, the shoulders and back of the neck are an erogenous zone. You might wind up with more business than you can handle.

The house with Taurus on the cusp (beginning) shows the place in your life where you are most attached to physical things and pleasures, as well as where you tend to never give in. It can also show where you can be rigid and blocked.

off i go to a job i hate! a job thats not paying me diddle squat this year! yuck. but my friend elliot works there now and its the first time we get to work together!! he is the bomb digity and its going to be nice to have a friendly, intelligant, awesome face painter who can geek out with me about politics, comics, queer issues, dreams, astrology, puppies, etc! and were going to the beach on wednesday.

so today work shouldnt be so bad, but im already starting off poorly! late! aye aye. also i want to take off for august to travel, and am 50% sure i will, but am only 25% sure i can, cus of poochie pooch, needing to find room mates 2 of em, and having so little money from my job this summer and mad bills for the house that are all at least 3 months behinde.

come on sugar daddy, find me.

i got laid last night. woo!
its been 6 months since a good full on fuck.
i just wish he was a better kisser.

aye!

im in west philly pretty much every day
its so much more home than ive felt in philly in awhile
and today i left a note on the porch of a house called get busy
it was for a boy i met last night named tadd!

Lorenzo,

Your point appears to be a Pickwick knife (Mid to late Archaic 6000 - 3500 BP Before Present). They are found from Kentucky to Florida. It was used as a knife to cut things like we do today with a pocket knife. The material looks like Buffalo chert but I am not 100% sure. With the point being that old, no one knows who the actual tribe was that made and used it.

Hope that helps,
Chuck

i love the kitchen in the morning.

myles in water near bartrums from lorenzo on Vimeo.

this is from yesterday. i believe he has learned well from me!

i really should give myles a bath, considering the water there is gross, but he is just so cute all cuddled up on the couch with me right now, stinky and all.

before going down south, i had bloodwork sent out for lymes
it came back inconclusive.

apparently, its a 3 band system. if all 3 bands are pos, i have it for sure.
if more than 1 is pos, well then its inconclusive. 2 of mine are pos.

so its a wait and see game. could be the antibiotics i was put on so soon after finding the bite created an immunity, or that my body hadnt enough time to build up the antibodies yet when my blood was taken

fingers crossed im healthy. im eating super alkaline foods and keeping the acid in my stomach low right now too.

this was a real rough test of some shots for some viral video ads for designphiladelphia for 2009. short clips of different types of designers (graphic, print, 3d, 2d, fashion, etc.) in their element, asking, what kind of designer are you? this is the furthest i took the concept, and now DP is continuing to develope them into viral online snippets. they better make sure to involve me, the whole series was my idea.

Untitled from lorenzo on Vimeo.

Then....


And Now...



alex, my first and at this point in my life only love, and i carved this into a tree 4 years ago while he was visiting.

the first shot is what it looked like carved fresh. the picture is pretty overexposed on the old sx70 with forced 400 film. the shot from today is from an iphone. oi.

this is a tree at bartrums gardens, a botanical garden in west philly, and i hadn't been back there since march of 2005. it's aged well. the year is getting rough to read though. i remember the trip well, it was near easter time and we made silly videos in the car and in my bedroom. it was cold and rainy and we took photos of each other in the streets of philly. the idea behind the heart with two lines striking through it was that, depending on how you looked at it, it made up my initials LB, his initials AB, and also LA - as in Los Angeles, pretty much where he was from and where I moved to to be with him. his birthdy was this week, on the 4th. that same trip we went to an abandoned factory near there, and he almost fell through the roof. they have since torn that place down.

i live a short ride and just over the bridge from there now, so its a super close bike ride with myles. today myles, my friend mason, and myself went and walked around and looked at the plants and fauna and had lunch by the water, myles got in and swam. he is crazy today because of the full moon, but now he is out like a light from so much running and biking and swimming.

it was a cute day all in all, and a real gold start for effort on my part for trying to build up relationships with some of my favorite aquantances.



edited and added the next day after a comment saying its a cute story, so in response:

thanks, it really is a cute story. one of the few really great and vivid memories i have from the time in that relationship. i think there are probably some more stored deep down in my head, but in the end after i left alex i was a mess... probably for two whole years. if anyone here has followed my life since then, you may recall chunks of time of no live journal postings or really really sad posts or posts directly directed towards alex, as i knew he still read (and to this day still does!) this journal. the post experiences of that relationship were a necessary self torture though, as it's helped me grow so much emotionally.

it is also what propelled me to leave the country for south america in 2006. i was asked recently why i went to south america and my reasoning was because i needed to get away from the sad winters in the north east, and i needed to get away from my life and any means or methods of calling or writing alex. its funny, i am only now surprised at how bold and brazen i was. the trip was hardly planned, all i knew was that i would fly into Lima Peru and fly back from Buenos Aires Argentina. my lease was about to be up and i got the tickets on a whim. i made sure to tell everyone who wanted to listen that i was going, so that no matter how nervous or scared i was about the idea of traveling alone in such a foreign place for so long, that i would still feel like i had to go. after all, no 19 year old likes to talk the talk and then not walk the walk. i knew no spanish at all, i knew nothing of the geography, culture, or way of travel down there, i didn't even have a single guide book or hostel guide. i started by forcing myself into self reliance, and it worked out well. my time in south america connected me to the world in a way that I can say I have only felt one other time - the day I found the arrowhead on the way to the waterfall at IDA in tennesee last month.

i love the wild. my spirit animal isn't an animal, but must be pachamama (mother nature) herself.

i am really proud of myself, that I was able to go back to Bartrams garden there finally and see and touch that tree again and not feel any heart break or longing for once was. i wanted to go years ago, but if I went at the wrong time I know it would of stung to be there. sure, inside i miss the past, but the changes in my life since then (and there have been a serious number of them....) - no matter how difficult they have been at times - have all been truely worth it for my self growth in the end.

left work early today. called an ex to wish him a happy birthday. trying to figure out what to do tonight. not really to into the idea of watching fireworks, and i want to bbq but i dont want to deal with that here. hot, lazy, yeahhh.

in february i couldnt get out of bed for a week, went to doctor 3 times and was told i had prostitus

in early june i got a bulls eye rash and was too tired to leave the bed for 2 days, the following weekend i had such a stiff neck that i couldnt move it at all, had a trip to the ER blood work and mri showed nothing

past three weeks my right arm, including rist, shoulder, and elbow have hurt regularly

the past week ive had a bloated stomach, gas, and nasuea, and the past two nights i've woken up with stomach pains and vomited

i just spewed up moments ago, and i dont understad whats happening to my body.

whats wrong with me? im getting so scared now. so fucking scared.

i dont have many friends.

i have a summer crush and its making me irrational and making me hope i can be convinced to get into a truck and drive out west for a few weeks this summer. i should of learned better by now, shouldn't i of?


oh yeah, and this is my 1000th live journal post.

999th

998th

997th

996th

my life feels, well --- crazy as is the norm, even more so right now, but also so great.

i am due for some serious changes.

tennessee was amazing as always. stopped by louisville kentucky and baltimore on the way back to PA.
awesome times all over.














IDA was a spiritual ride once again. this year, i went to the waterfall.... and its changed my life. the most magnificant and free place on earch. i ate mushrooms as we walked on the most beautiful creek/river bed ever, to then only find a fucking arrowhead, to then make our way to the top where the cavern was flowing water and folks washed in beautiful green mud, and after exfoliating and drying in the sun, swam under the water.

i am changed. i am becoming me. i am happy and high. i love life right now.
EMILY MOROSE, please come with next year. please please please.




( also, not that anyone wants to read all of this... my horriscope is phenominal right now and has been so far 100% on track... so.... )